In Retrospect

It took me years to see that the small things

Like spitting in my face 

Stubbing a cig on my knee

Throwing a boot at my face

Chasing me with a belt 

And whipping me

‘As a joke’

Weren’t small things at all.

I remember every single time

That you ‘accidentally’ hurt me

Broke me

‘Because you were bigger’

‘You didn’t mean to’

‘You were just play fighting’

And I would defend you

To my friends

To my teachers

To the nurse who told me my nose may be broken

To my mum

Who I tell everything.

I pushed these things out for so long

That It took me years to realise

That I was afraid 

Or that I’m afraid now

I don’t even know which

Because I’m so confused

How could someone who could be so nice

So sweet

So supportive

So in love with me

Do all these things?

But I still can’t make myself blame you

Even after this long

Even in hindsight 

When I know what you did was wrong

Because I remember the good things

And that you are a person

Who hurts and feels like I do

But giving you the benefit of the doubt

Of being ‘a good person’

Means I’m the one who can’t move on

And it pisses me off

That you could 

When I was manipulated 

Into thinking that you were just a stupid boy

And I would say to myself that you didn’t know what you did

For years I was convinced myself it was normal

It was banter

It was what happened when two people became so close

And I bullied myself for not seeing the red flags

When I hid the scars of your ’jokes’ 

To the people who told me

Out of care and concern

That you mistreated me

And I sacrificed friendships 

Because when they attacked you 

I couldn’t see that they did because you attacked me.