Blame

Stacey Brown

I needed someone to blame 

So I blamed God and then myself

There was a shame and an emptiness 

It was nothing like I’ve ever felt

I’m sorry for deceiving you

Remember when you asked how many kids I wanted And I said two

I never said they couldn’t grow inside of me

I kept thinking everything would be okay 

If I kept apologizing

But I’m sorry I wasn’t enough

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the truth

And maybe deep inside part of me would abandon me too

I’m sorry that I never told you I was born without a womb

I’m sorry that I could never give you the son you wanted

Or the daughter that you prayed for

I’m sorry for wanting to give you more 

But not being able to

I’m sorry for all the expectations I put on you

Because I never expected you to leave

I wanted you to accept all of me

And all that it brings

But I haven’t accepted myself 

Maybe it’s time that I do

I’m sorry that I never gave you the opportunity to fall in love with me

I wanted you to stick around and see that I had more to offer than infertility 

I wanted an explanation

I wanted to know why

I kept trying to prove to myself that fault wasn’t mine

I needed someone to blame

So I blamed God

Then myself

Then I blamed you